I've had a pretty busy summer - starting with the wedding at the end of May, then our Anniversary on June 12th, Sacramento for 4th of July, and then San Diego two weekends later for Ken's (my husband's) birthday. It was August before I knew it and then I was left wondering where the summer had gone. A few weekends of laziness in August, going to the farmer's market, seeing movies and taking naps. Then a summer cold hit me the last week of August. Now I'm really left wondering where all the time has gone. In the midst of all my vacationing, eating out and napping, surprisingly I've gained some weight and needless to say I'm not very happy about that. I'm feeling like all of this (the bad eating and weight gain) may be contributing to my laziness and all over defeated attitude as of late. I decided to post this today because the point of this blog is for me to see over time the ups and downs and what exactly it takes to get where I want to be and that includes the good with the bad. I can't lie, I've really been thinking lately "what if I just give up". What if I just accept the idea that I have a job and can pay the bills (even if it's barely). What if I just get up and go to work everyday and have my evenings and weekends to do what I want, like everyone else on the face of the earth. What if I had time to - play tennis, go on hikes, go to the movies, go to the farmer's market, have coffee at Starbucks with a friend, clean the house, run errands, cook meals (and the healthy ones that take a little longer to make). What if I took a nap on a Saturday afternoon with the windows open and a beautiful breeze blowing across my skin? What if I just painted when I felt like it and just for myself? - what if I could do all of these things without the weight of guilt constantly on my back that I haven't been working on my illustration and I haven't gotten enough done with the time that I have, and If I don't hurry and get it all done and sent out to publishers and agents, that this year will be gone before I know it and I will be one year older and year further away from doing anything with my life. I've grown tired of the guilt. I've grown tired of telling people that I'm working where I work followed shortly by the "but i'm doing that while i'm working toward being an Illustrator" - I don't know if I believe it anymore. I kind of just feel like a liar at this point. With the worst part being that I've been lying to myself all this time.
So here I am today - sorting through all the crap in my head. Trying to get through my pity party in one piece. I do realize that giving up is not an option. Putting aside that I couldn't do that to everyone in my life that has believed in me and encouraged me and the student loan bills that are draining our account every month. Even when I put all of that aside I realize that giving up would never really be an option for me. I do need something to work toward, something to give me a reason to get up everyday. I do want to paint everyday, and I do need a purpose behind it. I can't just paint for myself. That's just not enough. I realize that some small part of me needs a challenge, a deadline, a problem to solve. So I will pick myself back up again and get back to what it is that makes me truly happy. I realize that I keep going in circles. It seems that I've written this before. When I let myself get too far of the path I fall apart. I know by now that the only way to feel at peace to get that brush or pencil back in my hand. So that is what I will do.
I've spent some time today looking at other illustrators and getting in my head that if these people can do this then so can I. I have to remind myself that I'm not as bad as I may think I am. I am perfectly capable of really doing this. I feel a little twinge of inspiration again and I plan to run with it. Looking back at this post I see that I may have had a little too much bottled up - and now that it's all out (sorry to anyone who may read this), it's time to work. I hope to be a little more cheerful next time, but this is what it is right now. I've started exercising again, eating better and I'm ready to get on track. My next post will bring much more joy!
